After a short hiatus, the column called Ask Pistachio has returned to the Newsletter for Members.
Soon enough, you will have the opportunity to, once again, benefit from the wit and wisdom of Pistachio, a free thinker unfettered by the chatter of the mode o’ day. He’s not afraid to agree or disagree with anyone he chooses, nor is he unwilling to rescind or back track on any of his previous evocations, recorded or otherwise. He’s as interested in the tenor of your thoughts as he is in assuring that you are blessed with his. And he can be humble, when it suits him.
Depending on his mood, he might shower you with positive confirmations of agreement: “You make an excellent point!” Or shatter your mindset with subtle lines of extemporaneous prose that leave you pondering how you ever made it this far without his advice and counsel. Yet he is not insensitive, and in the blink of one or both of his penetrating green eyes, he might decide to alter his mind tack by 180 degrees (or a fraction, thereof), either sparing or inflating your ego—or not, depending on his whim-of-the moment. That’s the beauty of a life philosophy that centers around free thought and complete objectivity; nary a hint of personal bias spouts from a single pore of his evenly tanned body.
He answers to no one yet listens to everyone, mostly, but still reserves the right to shut anyone out, including himself, until inspiration again overwhelms him from within or without. He is unlike anyone who has come before or is likely to come hence. He is—Pistachio.
Pistachio is the last of the truly independent thinkers, uninfluenced by history, time, or those impossibly hard-to-quote lines of hip-hop (though he is aware that they are supposed to mean something profound). He realizes that great minds do not think alike, and so he reads Oscar Wilde or Mark Twain for the insightful barbs (and laughs uproariously), but always spins them through his own prism. For instance, Pistachio would not say, “The truth is never pure, and rarely simple” (O.W.), but rather, “Lies are the hybrid fuel of the masses.” That is his way.
Pistachio never does interviews, but if he did, one might go something like this:
New York Times: Who do you consider to be your greatest influence?
Pistachio: When I was pre-pubescent, I had a turtle that ate nothing but Velveeta cheese for the brief time that it lived.
NYT: So, this turtle had an impact on you?
P: Its martyrdom has forever shown me to question the source of all “knowledge.”
NYT: Why do you say “knowledge” in quotes?
P: The answer is “obvious.”
NYT: Is it that your mother fed you and your turtle the same thing?
P: Please, don’t put words in my mouth. This is why I don’t do interviews.
He passes judgement on no one, no matter how poorly informed and/or culturally deprived they might be. His credentials are immaterial; his conclusions are without reproach. His empathy is boundless; his personal needs, secondary. He treats each question as if it was his own, and ponders it with the same vigor he would use to answer questions about the style choices of the Dali Lama, engineering discrepancies inherent in the Large Hadron Collider, or why the elongated fruits of corn are called ears. To him, the quest for knowledge is universal, and he has made it his life’s work to maintain balance in the cosmos. He is Pistachio.
Please send your questions to: email@example.com.